💡 Make a list of everyone who's wronged you

Then hide it. Chapter One, and a page of Chapter Two, from How to Write a Memoir, free with a preorder of my novel for 9 more days.

In 9 days, Let Me Be Your Ghost comes out. At midnight Pacific on Tuesday, November 17, the night before, the free book stops coming with it. Last week I put that deal on a grocery store sale tag. This week I’m handing you most of Chapter One of the free book, the one where I explain why you should treat your own life like a cold case.

The deal, one more time: preorder Let Me Be Your Ghost in any format from any retailer, upload your receipt on my site, and How to Write a Memoir lands in your inbox in PDF and EPUB, usually within minutes. It’s a whole second book I’ve never published, and preordering the novel is the only way to read it.

🕵️ Chapter One, most of it

How to Write a Memoir is the real version of what Lola does in the novel: the method from my ghostwriting work, written down so you can run it on your own life. Chapter One is the pre-writing chapter: who you’re writing for, why you’re writing it, and how to find out what actually happened, because your memory is lying to you about at least some of it. Everything between the two dividers is straight from the book, word for word. The two marked skips are where I jumped ahead in the chapter.

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I started writing this book in a coffeeshop called Dope Coffee in Athens, Greece. I had grown fond of drinking caffeine in the cobblestone streets of Europe over the past few years, and was working remotely in Athens for the month—and not in a rush to leave.

Sun streamed in through the open windows, glinting off the mosaic tiles on the floor of the coffeeshop. Laptop nomads worked at the wooden bar or individual tables in the garden outside. My unsweetened matcha latte—and they always come unsweetened in Europe—dripped condensation next to my MacBook Air.

My first question to myself as I opened a new document on my laptop was:

Who is this book for?

It’s the most important question authors need to ask—and one of the most overlooked. When you visualize your audience, what do they want to experience in absorbing your story? Are they wanting to be inspired by your courage? Your vulnerability? Are they needing a good laugh, a hard cry? Are they lost and looking for a role model to show them the way in a hybrid self-help book/memoir? Are they wanting to grow their business like you grew yours, and want to read a business book/memoir where they can follow your journey and learn what they need with theirs?

I’ll break it down further for you.

A Dame Walks Into Your Office

Imagine you’re an old-time-y hardboiled detective. Private Eye is written across the stained glass of your office door. Your wrinkled suit and thousand-yard stare show that you’ve seen things—things most people can only dream of.

Your afternoon peace is broken when your door slams! open—and a dame walks in.

She pulls off her white gloves, her mascara stained and her messy hair hidden under a hat, and tearfully looks across at you.

“Won’t you help me, detective?”

This is your audience, dear writer. They’re in your office with a “problem” they want solved. They want inspiration. They want escapism. They want their cheating ex-husband caught and punished for his sins (your book might not be able to help with this last one).

Whenever you feel lost, imagine yourself sitting across from your reader, who is begging to hear your life story—and understand that you’re writing to them as if they’re there listening. This will help you keep the reader experience in your mind as you start to understand your why.

Your Detective Origin Story

Begin by asking yourself the simplest question you can to kickstart your investigation:

Why am I writing this book?

This is a question I ask all of my clients before I start work with them. Everyone’s goals are different when it comes to writing a book. For some, they just want a story they can pass on to their families. For others, they want a commercial smash hit that will benefit their career or business.

It’s important to understand your “why” when you’re starting your book, because that will dictate the approach you’ll take. If you’re not clear on your vision for your book, it’s like going on a hike without knowing where you’re hiking to: you’re likely to get lost and confused on a spiderweb of trails.

The clients I’ve worked with who had the best outcome of their book had a clear vision but an open mind along the way.

You’ve got to know what you want—but part of the fun of writing a book is the exploration that unfolds across multiple drafts. If you stumble upon secluded hot springs along your hike, are you going to just walk by because a dip in the water is not on your itinerary? Part of the joy of writing is the indulgence of your curiosity—and that indulgence of play will improve the quality of your work.

When Your Memory Lies to You

In a 2009 study, psychologists discovered that certain factors, such as how we felt during a particular event, have a direct impact on the accuracy of our recollections of that event.

Participants in the study were surveyed on their emotional recall of life events, which they labeled either positive or negative. It was found that the emotional intensity participants remembered feeling during negative events was significantly more likely to fade over time (51% of negative events) versus that emotional intensity remaining fixed (38% of negative events).

In simpler terms, our brains edit how we remember feeling during major life events as time moves on.

It’s how many people process trauma and remain hopeful about their future, and why the adage “time heals all wounds” actually takes hold.

3 Ways to Uncover the Truth About Your Life for Your Memoir

Discovering the truth about your life requires some bravery and perseverance, so don’t give up before you get to your truth.

Here are three of my top suggestions for tracking down the truth:

1. Seek out primary sources. Primary source documents like old social media posts, diary entries, VHS tapes, or other recordings can help you capture a memory in amber. If you were a researcher writing a paper about your life, these would be your citations. Trust them over the highlight reel in your head.

2. Journal on old memories. Write about sights, smells, and events in your past. Pick something specific, like the day you went apple picking with your mother in endless orchards.

3. Compare notes with friends and family. For shared memories, it’s helpful to see what others remember, too. By comparing notes, you’ll be able to get closer to a more unbiased reality. Ask for what specific details others remember, too: these forgotten pieces can help you paint an even more fleshed-out picture of past events.

When in doubt, follow your curiosity and ask as many questions as you can.

My Approach to Finding an Unbiased Truth in Memoir

In my own writing, I often prefer fiction to help me unpack a challenging reality. That way, I can always shrug and say, “it’s all made up” even as I’m exploring a kernel of truth.

In my narrative nonfiction books and essays, I try to get as close to truth as I can. Dialogue sometimes feels smudged in my mind’s eye, as I don’t have the best memory for what people said. So, I’ll try to write a smarter, punchier version of what I remember, and hope that my subject doesn’t mind that I’ve probably made them 20% wittier in the process.

For my memoir ghostwriting clients, I help them walk the line between reality and story. After all, a memoir is a story, not a play-by-play of every single day of your life. Sometimes, things need to be combined or coalesced to create a more cohesive memoir. But even the adjustments must feel authentic: the reader can tell if something feels fake.

At the end of the day, truth can be an ugly, hard thing. Give your best efforts to search for it, though: because finding your truth will pay off in dividends.

Phone a Friend (and Family Member)

Friends and family offer something you can’t generate on your own in the investigation of your major life events: an outside perspective. Your memories are from your point of view after all and are never the whole picture.

When I’m working with clients, I sometimes interview other people in their life to reveal hidden details or forgotten memories that alter the story. In the puzzle of the phenomenon of memory, it’s interesting to compare notes on who remembers what—even if what they remember is “wrong” compared to your recollection. Ask yourself: why does this person remember this event this way, even if I remember it differently? Our feelings about people and events color our memory of them, after all.

Besides the people in your immediate circle, it’s also helpful to interview key people from your past who you aren’t as close to, as they’ll be more objective. Your best friend in middle school probably has some useful memories of you. Don’t be afraid to include exes, family friends, teachers, and even past crushes (if you dare) in your process. Consider this an excuse to re-connect, bond, and step out of your own head.

Meet in-person when you can. Buy your friends and family members lunch or coffee as a thank-you, and see what comes up in conversation. Even shared memories about other people around you can help add texture to your life story: your life is about more than just you, after all. It’s about your environment and the people you changed or who changed you.

No matter who you’re interviewing though, have a few memories and questions ready to discuss before you meet up. This will help guide the conversation if it turns stale. Also, stick with non-leading questions like, “what was your perception of me?” or “what do you remember about high school?” You’ll get answers that are infinitely more interesting than a simple yes/no/maybe so.

My favorite interviewing trick, and the one I lean on with every memoir client, is what I call the kitchen-table question. Ask someone a huge, abstract question about their life and you’ll get a shrug. Ask about the kitchen table instead, and suddenly it’s 1974 in the room. The specific physical detail is the clue, and the bigger memory is the case it cracks open. So skip “what was your childhood like?” and try “what did your mother keep on the kitchen counter?” You’ll be amazed at what turns up.

Still need interview inspiration? Watch clips of your favorite talk show hosts or listen to your favorite interview podcasts. Take notes on how they converse with their guests. Write down questions they ask that jive with you. And if you’re still nervous, remember: you’re doing it for the story.

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🗂️ One more page, from Chapter Two

Chapter Two is about finding your theme, which sounds like homework. In practice it involves a list and a jacket pocket.

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Conflicts can come in a few categories. I like to separate them into four buckets:

• You vs. yourself (internal conflict)

• You vs. someone else (interpersonal conflict)

• You vs. the world (environmental conflict)

• You vs. a belief system (existential conflict)

Ready, captain? Let’s explore these ‘C’s.

You vs. Someone Else (Interpersonal Conflict)

This one’s more fun. Think about all the conflicts you have ever had with other people. Don’t be bashful—vent! Get out a piece of paper and write down how anyone has ever wronged you. Keep this for yourself and do not, I repeat, do not fold it up and leave it in your jacket pocket. Your life is not a Certified Rotten rom-com… but it will be when your partner finds this list in your pocket because they’re trying to be nice and do your laundry. Seriously. Hide this list.

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🎁 Every gift, in one chart

The whole book is 16 chapters that take a memoir from a drawer of old photos to launch day, 11 Case Files from real projects with the names and details changed, and 15 sets of writing prompts I call Open Cases. I started it in 2021 and rewrote the whole thing in Athens coffee shops on way too many Freddo espressos. It has never been for sale, and for 9 more days it’s a gift.

One copy, any format: How to Write a Memoir, free, in PDF and EPUB.

Ten print copies (about $220 in paperbacks or $330 in hardcovers): a full year of Founding membership here on 💡 Sutoscience, normally $550, with our monthly Substack Lab calls and the 6 Week Substack Sprint. The books still make ten December gifts.

Fifty or more print copies: everything above, plus a private session with me, or a talk for your team, library or writing program.

🗓️ The dates

• Preorder by midnight Pacific on Tuesday, November 17. The free book comes with preorders only. The novel comes out Wednesday, November 18.

• Any retailer counts: Amazon (the paperback is here), Bookshop.org, Barnes & Noble, or The Ripped Bodice if you shop indie. In the UK, the Kindle edition is on Amazon.co.uk.

• Upload your receipt on the claim page. Uploads for on-time preorders stay open through November 30, so if you already preordered and never claimed, go do it now.

Make the list. Hide the list. Preorder the novel, and the rest of the book is yours, ocean included.

See you in the story. 🌉

-Amy